...2010 03 30...
TELECOM ENTER SPACE AGE OF LASER DISCS, HOVERBOARDS AND INTERNET DOWNLOADS

Just in time for 2006 you can now listen to and / or purchase downloads of Telecom's debut EP Modern Adventures from telecom.bandcamp.com in mp3 / flac / 7" vinyl / other formats.

Regards,
Angular New-Wave Music
The next big thing
September 2006

...2010 03 15...
TELECOM PREVIEW NEW ALBUM OF THREE YEAR-OLD SONGS

Great art can take decades. Just ask Brian Wilson or Rove McManus. Sometimes mediocre art takes just as long, particularly when the "artists" have day jobs and think that art is for F.A.G.O.T's (Friends And Girlfriends Of Telecom).

Telecom have been making great art out of talking up and stalling their unreleased debut album Prepare To Die for years -- a truly great album that is still in need of an additional seventeen guitar tracks and a silent hum that will encourage dogs to form government in Victoria.

In anticipation of the release of this anticipation, come hear an exclusive preview of this new album of three year-old songs -- complete with resplendent brown-notes -- this Friday March 19 at Pony. Supporting will be real artists Big Smoke, Aplonea (NSW) and Slow Human Escape. The Doors on at 9PM. Entry $7.

Cordially yours,
Chairman Mao Zedong
Studio Engineer
Chinese Democracy

...2010 03 09...
TELECOM PLACE ORDER WITH JAPANESE SEX-ROBOT COMPANY FOR "SCARILY LIFELIKE" DRUM MACHINE

Do you believe in life after love? TELECOM believe in auto-tuned vocals and not changing bandnames after foundation members quit to join Wolfmother. To celebrate, T-PAIN AND THE DOGGY DOGGS (formerly TELECOM) play live for the first time without drums. Playing drums on the night will be the lovable Coops from THE CHEATS.

Offering support will be the still-complete line-ups of DAUGHTERBOY JAO, DAMN THE TORPEDOES and SWEETMAC. The doors on at 2030. Entry is $7.

Party?

Regards,
Cherilyn Sarkisian
Captain
US Navy

...2010 02 20...
SHIT BAND SEEKS AVERAGE DRUMMER. MUST HAVE OWN TIME MACHINE. JADED WASH-UPS FROM THE FUTURE WELCOME

We are the shit band who have release five hit albums, seventeen singles and three split 7 inches with latest band from overseas. We have an exciting management and strict weight-loss policy. We are looking for a drummer who can play both 4/4 and 8/8 time signatures as well as sixteenth notes. We need someone who is uglier than at least two thirds of the band but who could be considered attractive in a Seth-Rogen-is-fat-but-can-charm-chicks-into-pity-sex-with-self-deprecating-jokes-about-masturbation-and-excessive-pot-smoking way. We have album recorded, flights cancelled, cocaine ordered and major label disinterest. If this sounds like you and you can hit sticks with skins, this could be a band you are in. Call now. No timewasters. Unless you have timemachine. In which case, cool!

Come farewell long-serving, long suffering, much-loved drummer Blake Williams in his last gig for TELECOM this Saturday 9PM at the IDGAFF Bar in Collingwood. Support comes from dear friends THE CHEATS and HIGH FANGS. Entry is free.

And for all of you prospective drummers out there, applications for our new reality television show "Telecom: Cymbal of Love. Hosted by Mark Philippousis" will be available at the door. Interested parties can email their headshots to: switchboard@telecomlovesyou.com

Regards,
Pete Best
Drummer
Them Crooked Vultures

P.S. On a more or less serious note, please take the time to register for and attend the Save Live Australia's Music Rally next Tuesday, February 23, commencing at 4PM at the State Library in Melbourne. The RockWiz Orchestra will be leading the march to Parliament playing AC/DC's "Long Way to the Top" on the back of a flatbed truck. See you there!

...2010 01 25...
TELECOM RETURN FROM THE FUTURE TO SAVE LIVE MUSIC, PAST SELVES FROM OBSCURITY

2010 will also see the release of Prepare To Die, the debut album from that TELECOM band I’ve been telling you about. Drinking, hamburgers and partying with hot babes has never sounded so good.

Sincerely yours,
Larry Flynt

Once again proving themselves as Internets™ pioneers, TELECOM now offers you your choice of social-networking nomenclature: you can become a fan on Facebook, a follower on Twitter or we will totally understand if you just want to remain friends on myspace (unfortunately our Second Life interactive rehearsal space and hot-dog stand was burnt down by an army of floating penises; damages are estimated to be a quarter of a million Second Life dollars [US$6 Trillion]).

...2007 12 17...
TELECOM FORMS BAND WITH HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS, CITES "PEARL JAM MEETS CHILI PEPPERS" AS INFLUENCES

Following on from yet another appearance at the Meredith Music Festival where they once again appeared all day Saturday and Sunday, somewhere between Bush Camp and Mulwaverly, hanging out with their friends, drinking beer and listening to the ipod on shuffle while yelling at passers-by "Hey look at us! We formed a band!", TELECOM are supporting actual Meredith players, band-formers and festival highlights ART BRUT (UK) at THE CORNER HOTEL this Wednesday December 19 at 8.30PM. Also performing will be the recent attendees of the Speigeltent, PLASTIC PALACE ALICE, though it should also be pointed out that they actually performed music inside the tent, and didn't just hang around at that bar that's outside drinking and hassling people on their way to The Art Centre. Tickets are $38 + booking fee.

Yours,
1927

...2007 10 30...
TELECOM INDUCTS NICK CAVE'S MOUSTACHE INTO ARIA HALL OF FAME

TELECOM are a Melbourne 4 piece musical group influenced by The Beatles, Dylan going electric, Grandmaster Flash and The Furious Five, Old Delta Bluesmen, the Tribal Rhythms of Africa, both Prohibition and The Spanish Inquistition, the forming of society, the birth of Christ, the invention of the wheel, the use of words to communicate and the first meeting of sperm and egg.

This Thursday November 1 they display their totally unique ecleticism with the totally unique use of 2 vocals, 2 guitars, one bass and added drums (with cymbals!) when they support PEABODY 's Melbourne launch for their awesome new single "The Devil For Sympathy" at THE OLD BAR in Fitzroy. LITTLE ATHLETICS open the show at 9PM.

It's Devolution Baby.

Yours,
Keith Urban feat. John Butler

...2007 09 07...
TELECOM BIGGER THAN THE BEATLES, JESUS DISAPPOINTING THIRD

TELECOM are playing support to 78 SAAB and the launch of their critically-acclaimed new album The Bells Line. In their only Melbourne show, 78 SAAB will show why they once supported The Thrills, who once supported Oasis, who once supported The Rolling Stones, who once supported Kevin Bacon, who (probably) once supported The Beatles; so it just goes to show that you can create tenuous links pretty much any way you please. Does this mean TELECOM are equal to The Beatles?

In this reporter's opinion; perhaps.

With love,
Heather Mills

...2007 08 13...
TELECOM SEEKS CUSTODY OF KEVIN FEDERLINE

TELECOM has subpoenaed Kevin Federline with a summons indicating their intention to challenge for sole custody of the up-and-coming rap sensation.

To fund their legal battle, TELECOM will be playing a one-off gig this Thursday night August 16 at C'mon C'mon at The Evelyn. Also lending their support to the cause will be DIRTY PINK JEANS and THE EUROBEAT 3 The Doors open the show at 8.30PM.

Warmest regards,
Mary Hart

...2007 08 08...
TELECOM LEAVE THE ABC

It's official. After 40 years and three industry-voted Gold Logie awards for best picture, and one for best supporting guitar solo in a lead role, TELECOM are leaving the ABC. From September they will star in a new Sunday night variety show on Channel Seven entitled The Foxification of Dame Edna co-hosted by Russell Gilbert as the comic icon Barry Humphries made famous.

Wish TELECOM well this Saturday August 11 at 9PM by joining them at Ding Dong Lounge for Weekender where they will be ably supported by visitors from the north MODULAR LOUNGE (SYD) and of course DJ's Steve Wide, Dan C and Nathan (Panic!), playing all the songs you love almost as much as Are You Being Served.

Fresh from playing to 90,000 fans before the Bledisloe Cup at the MCG, TELECOM kick themselves into touch...ing more people with their oh-so-special brand of fast-paced Indie Pop Rock Soul music/passing rubgy this Saturday July 14 at BANG! at the Royal Melbourne Hotel. Feeding the scrum will be Sydney rockers THE SHAKE UP (SYD). $3 pots, $4.50 spirits, 5/8 hookers.

...2007 06 27...
TELECOM GET PRECIOUS

TELECOM are playing a Very Special, Very Precious™ show this Thursday 28th June at 9PM at The Tote, special in that they will never play this set again, with the same between song banter, in the same order, with the same intensity, soul or skill. No, they're not retiring some of your favourite songs, they're simply going to play only their 'A' material, a feat which has never been attempted before to prevent the risk of 'over-pleasurisation.' The banter will remain. But caution, meet the wind because now all bets are off and this time it's personal. Joining them for this history making day will be the game-lifting fine harmony skill of TREETOPS, and hot newcomers CHASE EGO. So no longer will anyone come to a TELECOM show and say "Treetops? No Treetops? Why for no Treetops?"

Yours,
Rainier Wolfcastle

...2007 05 31...
TELECOM DIVIDED BY TWO CARRIES THE ONE SHOW THIS SUNDAY, REMAINDER TO HECKLE FROM CROWD

While some members are overseas trying to drum up press interest on the pavement outside NME's London office, high on coke and simply yelling out the band's name repeatedly, TELECOM are kinda pleased to announce a very-special-one-off-acoustic-mixed-with-reverby-electric guitars-with-also-added-sweet-harmonising-backing-vocals ROCK-SHOW, supporting DOG WITH WHEELS 6PM this Sunday evening at The Exford Hotel. TELECOM 's Darren and Nick, one half of the group and 100% of it's guitarists, will be sitting down, gazing out the window at the setting sun and contemplating the great beyond as they perform acoustic-scream-core-ballads about Mommy's heroin habit and how Daddy never played catch.

Yours sincerely,
John Butler's Butler Duo

FL 2007 04 24
TWO TELECOM SYDNEY SHOWS THIS WEEKEND, HELL PARTLY CLOUDY WITH CHANCE OF SNOW

Following their hugely successful performance on the first episode of Big Brother Australia 2007, during which they serenaded Gretel Kileen and Mike "Gold, Man" Goldman with their hits Maneater and Boys Light Up, TELECOM are happy to reveal that it's time to go... to Sydney! Again!

Turkey-slapping their way into S-Town, TELECOM will be hotter than Hot Dogs in the sauna for a Sandwich Club show at Candy's Apartment (location map) on Thursday, April 26 at 8pm, with LIONS AT YOUR DOOR (SYD) and the screamadelic, THE SCREAM (SYD). Boldly defying Sydney’s one-gig-per-calendar-year policy, TELECOM will then bum-dance into the Hopetoun Hotel (location map) on Friday, April 27, 8pm with THE SUITS (Frankston) plus CUTHBERT & THE NIGHTWALKERS (SYD) and JOHN COLUMBUS (SYD) (the dude who sailed the ocean blue and later directed Home Alone).

Due to council noise restrictions, applause will have to be kept to a maximum 15db level. So pretend it’s Melbourne and talk to your friends/flick your fringe/have sex in the disabled dunnies/fold your arms/knit, but for god’s sake --- don’t applaud!

Yours sincerely,
Abe Froman
Sausage King of Chicago

...2007 04 17...
LAST TELECOM SHOW UNTIL THE NEXT ONE

After their very successful sold-out free shows at Federation Square to 3000 fans, in which they played crowd favourites Breaking The Girl and that John Butler song about uranium mining, TELECOM have surprised even themselves to announce one last show before indefinite hiatus from Melbourne's live-rock-scissor-kicking arena, a hiatus that will see them on hiatus until their next gig. 9PM Thursday April 19th at the Ding Dong Lounge (location map) sees them joined by ROYAL SALOON and THE CODEBREAKERS for the usual psychedelic light show, jaw-dropping bass lines and tongue-sticky-outy drum fills. Entry $6. Party!

With love,
that dude who bit Phoenix

...2007 03 28...
TELECOM DELIVER THREE CHORDS, THE TRUTH, GARLIC BREAD IN 20 MINUTES OR YOUR MONEY BACK

TELECOM return from the hard life on the road to deliver three chords and the truth with a very special show this Saturday March 31st 9 PM at Bootleg at Geddes Lane. Incorporating a simpl(e)y stunning light show that's been tested in other states and territory, this will be Melbourne's first airing of the visuals that will have you spitting out your white wine spritzer and choking on your crystal methamphetamine pipe. Playing with Adelaide's FIRE! SANTA ROSA, FIRE!, who just won the award for being the second best band in the world or something(TM), this promises to be one show that will long have you saying, "F*ck… I. Was. THERE." It will also be TELECOM's last show for a while before they head overseas for the South By Glastonchella In Rio Festival at Reading Showcase, so don't miss out.

Kind regards,
Joe Reckords

...2007 03 12...
TELECOM TO TOUR SYDNEY, CANBERRA, PARLIAMENT HOUSE GIFT SHOP

Melbourne Rock Band(tm) TELECOM are back-in-state this weekend following up from their successful show in Sydney last October, and are playing their FIRST EVER show in Canberra! Since releasing their debut EP Modern Adventures to high acclaim in August last year, TELECOM have been quite remiss in not stopping by to unleash some guitar solos in the face of the nation's capital, and feel a real down-low and dirty shame they have been so uncaring to those starved of Tele-rock. Sydney knows JUST how it tastes though. So despite unbucklings of belts and muffled burps, they have asked for second helpings, which will be served on Friday March 16 at Candy's Apartment in TELECOM's only Sydney show. TELECOM are supporting the launch for the DEAD FRENCHMEN's delicious new album Wonderland. Mmmm! Hot new Melbourne songstresseseseses TEKO open the show at 8PM.

However on Saturday March 17 at Transit Bar, Canberra can break their fast and also ask for the wine list as local hotshots THE ASHBURYS and FROM THE SOUTHsupport TELECOM's debut; their unveiling; and their only opportunity to make a first impression. Which means the stakes are high.

Yes my friends, steaks and pie.

Yours truly,
Brian Burke, Inc.

... 2007 01 18 ...
LAST WITTY HEADLINE FOR SEVERAL MONTHS NOT VERY WITTY, SAYS HEADLINE

TELECOM is back! Hang on... Aren't they the band that just had sold-out shows and a performance at the Reading Festival where they were described as "incendiary" and "the successors to Babyshambles as the greatest rock band of all time" by England's NME? Are they really going to play an intimate club show for fans at BANG! at the Royal Melbourne Hotel on Saturday January 20? With who? Sorry; with whom? THE CA$INOS? Aren't they the band that recently got back from opening for The Flaming Lips and Paul McCartney on the Californian leg of last year's Lollapalooza Tour? What's that you say? All of the above is exaggerations, impossible circumstances and outright lies made up by our overzealous press department? I find that hard to believe, seeing as TELECOM are in fact playing with THE CA$INOS at this Saturday's BANG! at the Royal Melbourne Hotel, 629 Bourke Street, Melbourne, and both bands are firm favourites to win things at this year's award-type-place. And after recently tucking themselves away in rehearsal studios to de-construct life, in order to re-construct songs that de-destruct souls, TELECOM are hot on at least 4 cylinders to play their last show for months, so don't miss this one.

Also, for those with access to the world wide radio in Melbourne, this Thursday January 18 Darren and Greg will be playing some of their favourite records on 90.7 SYN FM's Notes From The Underground from 2PM. For those not in Melbourne, streaming is available on the SYN FM website.

Kind regards,
The Publicist 3000
robotic hype machine and pasta maker

...2007 01 03...
EARLY 2007 EARLY BIRD SHOW MINUS MONSTERS NAMED MARTIE, DARYL

TELECOM open a big year of rockin' out and knockin' out classic hit(s) with a show this first Thursday night in 2007, January 4 at the Ding Dong Lounge, which is in the city -- as seen on TV NYE! Joining them will be THE NEW BLACK and LA STRADA, so when you have a show this good for only $6, you don't really need some witty gimmick* to entice the people to come, do you? Listen: it's holidays, it's summer and your alcohol withdrawals from New Years are at their peak, so forget your troubles and come party!

*Special early-bird gig. Doors open at 7PM and bands on early for the school-going, adhering-to-business-hours, unable-to-forget-their-troubles, alarm-clock-fearing public.

Happy new year!

Regards,
Daryl Cotton

...2006 12 20...
TELECOM NAMED TIME MAGAZINE PERSON OF THE YEAR

Eeny-meeny-myney-mo, TELECOM-play-kick-ass-rock-show! If-you-holler-let-'em-go, marvel-at-bitchin'-guitar-solo......s! That's right, to launch Melbourne's newest (and from what we hear, the bestest ever in the history of the eardrum) venue Exile on Smith Street, this Friday night, December 22 at 9PM TELECOM will play a rock show supporting TIGER BY THE TAIL, who are also launching their new CD. For clues on where this new venue will be and how to get there, this enigma can be unwrapped by looking carefully at old Inpress Magazines and seeing where Clem in fact leans AWAY from Jesus, demonstrating that the Holy Grail is in fact in Collingwood. Or, just look at the above text. Or read the next sentence. It's in Smith Street, Collingwood, number 125.

In some last exciting pieces of news for the year, TELECOM's debut EP Modern Adventures recently headed a list of top 10 Australian non-label releases for 2006, as put together by Ryan Egan, host of RRR's Local and/or General. And today TELECOM was featured on the informative Sydney-based Australian music blog The Sandwich Club.

So what better way to say "I Love You" this holiday season than with a Modern Adventures CD and/or a spatula?

Best wishes for the holiday season and a safe 2007,
Sy Greenblum
President, Spatula City

...2006 12 07...
"SECOND FEATURE" KEXP SEATTLE'S SONG OF THE DAY

TELECOM is excited to reveal that the lead single from its debut EP Modern Adventures "Second Feature" will today be featured as KEXP Seattle's Song of the Day.

As well as being presented on KEXP's daily podcast and blog, the song will also be played on the station's John in the Morning breakfast show.

You can subscribe to the KEXP Song of the Day podcast with iTunes here (subscribe with another service here) or listen to KEXP live here.

Buy Modern Adventures online <--- there.

Kind regards,
Cliff Poncier

...2006 11 30...
BAND CAMP CANCELLED

Due to council and CFA concerns regarding the dangers of the coming bush-fire season and an inability to find a suitable alternative date/venue, Band Camp has unfortunately had to be cancelled.

Ticket refunds are available from the point of purchase.

TELECOM apologises for any inconvenience.

..2006 11 29...
BAND CAMP THIS SATURDAY, HEADLINE OFFERS THREE MEANINGS

TELECOM are all about wearing sunglasses on stage. Although it has been tried before, it tends to look a bit poncy when you're inside and the only people in the audience are the mixer and some random drunk dancing. So we say "Hallelujah-readers-of-print-media-and-its-various-affiliates!", because TELECOM are playing The BAND CAMP Festival!! Outside! We think!

That's right, TELECOM headline along with DYNAMO, THE SPECIMENS, DELORIS, KAMIKAZE TRIO as well as a host of kick-ass others this Saturday at Opoeia in the Great Ottway National Park, Airley's Inlet. And by headline, we mean 'Play at 10PM' which probably negates the whole wearing-sunnies-on-stage idea. Will they or won't they? And will this be THE festival to attend this summer? (Have you seen the line-up for the BDO?) These questions amongst others can be answered for only $40, which includes a whole weekend of good times, sunshine, fine wines (read: beer) and no tramlines for at least 100km.

Tickets available NOW from Missing Link & Polyester Records.

Regards,
Czechoslovakian-exchange-student-and-flute-player-extraordinaire Ivan Lendl

... 2006 11 22 ...
SECRET ADVERTISED NON-WAREHOUSE WAREHOUSE SHOW IN BAR WITH DJS THIS THURSDAY (SHHH!)

TELECOM have just returned from the docks where they signed for delivery of 48 Crates of ROCK-hard ROCK, and are pleased to announce a "SECRET WAREHOUSE SHOW" this Thursday November 23 at Ding Dong ROCK Lounge, where they will unload the aforementioned crates on a most-likely-suspecting-something-is-probably-about-to-happen audience; of course using State Authorised, Union-Approved Backsafe Techniques. Everything must go! We've gone crazy! Etc! Joining them all the way from Sydney will be GOLDEN MEAN who are launching their totally awesome new EP "The Riddle of Motive", as well as local hot-shots SECONDS and THE BLACK HUNDRED. Doors 8PM Entry: JUST $6.

On Friday night, TELECOM join DELORIS for the launch of their totally awesome new album "Ten Lives" at the Northcote Social Club. Doors at 9.30PM, tickets $12 at the door. This show will be smoke free, but through some tense negotiations with management we've just had confirmation that Smokin' Hot Guitar Solos WILL be permitted. So make sure you tell Mulva, Celeste, Kest, Rest, Sest, Hest, Aretha, Bovary, Gipple, Loleola and Joseph Puglia.

Regards,
Art Vandalay
Vandalay Industries

...2006 11 15...
PBS TAKES OVER THE TOTE, SMALL OIL-RICH NATIONS TO FOLLOW

TELECOM, who never playa-hate, are gonna celebrate and congratulate the new release from PBS/I Love Records "LIVE AT STUDIO FIVE" by being part of pretty much the best line-up EVER in the History Of Music That Gets Played In Pubs This Thursday. That's right, EVEN, THE CA$INOS and TELECOM, all on the one bill, all at the Tote, all on Thursday night (8PM), all for just $10 ($7 for PBS subscribers). "LIVE AT STUDIO FIVE", featuring 16 tracks from local, national and international artists -- including TELECOM's "Bermuda Triangle" -- will be available for purchase on the night, and for the uninitiated, this scribe can tell you that it KICKS SERIOUS ASS. Especially Track 4. Meanwhile, PBS will be broadcasting "Legless on the Wireless" LIVE and free from the front bar from 5PM - 10PM, including an interview with TELECOM at 5.15PM on Andrew Yule's Drive Thru.

And if that wasn't enough, the following night at the Espy Front Bar, TELECOM help KAMIKAZE TRIO launch their new EP "French Lick" with HOSS and THE BOWERBIRDS. With so much highly-charged-and-moderately-sexual-non-hip-hop-related ROCK on offer, we will surely understand if a pandemic of pleasure-overload-itis breaks out across the city.

Yours,
All manner of excitement

...2006 11 09...
TELECOM HAD A PONY; HE WAS A BEAUTIFUL PONY AND THEY LOVED HIM

TELECOM are smokin' hot from playing some Halloween, Cup Day and Larry Flynt Birthday shows, and after a meeting in the Tele-board room, all in favour said "Aye" and memos were sent via internal email only. The result: against their better judgement TELECOM are going to knock it up a notch -- BAM! This Saturday Night/Sunday Morning TELECOM play their HOTTEST show yet with the highly coveted, always sweaty and SEXY PONY 2AM ROCK SHOW. Entry is FREE. Who wouldn't love a Pony? Who wouldn't love a person who had a Pony?

Regards,
Manya

...2006 11 01...
MO' 'VEMBER, MO' TELECOM

You've seen them on the TV for approx 60 seconds.
You've heard them on the radio at various non-ratings times.
You've heard them spoken about in hushed tones by high school students in their List Of Top 3 Emo Bands You'd Most Wanna Go XStraight EdgeX with.

You've also been spammed by them on a regular basis direct to yr PC LOLZARS!!11

Now, see TELECOM LIVE and IN PERSON, PERFORMING ALL THEIR HIT, at 161's shakesomeaction this Thursday Night at 9PM. Featured before TELECOM will be other alleged teen heart-throb "vagabond" J. HAWK, but fret not parents and guardians; 48 paramedics trained specifically in the field of rock-related hysteria, or 'Rock-teria', will be on hand to provide first aid.

Doors 9PM. $8 entry. Mention TELECOM to receive discounted entry.
$2 pots and $3 champagne 9-10PM, no jocks, free coke, nerds guaranteed sex.

Please Note: Autographs will be signed ONLY on EPs and on presentation of two (2) signed copies of receipts. Scraps of paper, bus tickets, T-shirts and bare skin will NOT be signed, unless drinks are exchanged and the queue permits.

Regards,
Ma$e feat. Bigg Dogg

... 2006 10 26 ...
TELECOM TO MAKE LEFT-OVER POVERTY AND DAYLIGHT-SAVINGS HOUR HISTORY

When TELECOM gets to the bottom they go back to the top of the slide. That's pretty much where they like to turn and go for a little ride. They will do this -- without the aid of a slide -- this Saturday October 28th 11PM at HELTER SKELTER Dream Nightclub, 229 Queensberry Street, Carlton, Melbourne's newest Late-Night-Rock-Party-Night (TELECOM are scheduled to hit the stage and wind their clocks forward an hour at 2AM, so make sure you are there at 1 to see them perform at 3, carry the 2 minus the 4 = ROCK).

Unfortunately though, there are impoverished communities in this world who don't even have slides to go back to the top of, so on Sunday, October 29 at 3PM TELECOM will also be playing the Trash and Treasure charity fundraiser at the Tote, with all funds raised going towards aiding South African Community Development. As well as live music, there will be a market, a bake sale and a BBQ (with veggie options).

We can confirm that Charles Manson will NOT be let out to support either event; he'd just get ideas and nobody wants that, except maybe Dennis Wilson. In his place will be, on Saturday night at Dream: International Karate and Dog With Wheels, and on Sunday at the Tote: the Cheats, the Kissingers and the Blackchords, all wild and dangerous 'Rock Show Performance Types'.

So anyone wanting a ride that is scary, thrilling and most likely causes you to vomit through sheer exhaultation AND helps end world poverty would be advised to attend.

Blisters on your fingers,
Sir Paul McCartney MBE, OBE, AVO

P.S. For those who missed TELECOM's belated appearance on ABC's JTV you can check out the segment on the JTV website.

P.P.S. Yesterday, Greg appeared in voice on Syn FM 90.7's All-Australian breakfast radio show The Hoist to speak about this Sunday's South African Community Development Benefit and play some of his favourite Australian music. For those who missed it you can listen to the full interview here (right click, save as; mp3 [27.3MB][57:23])

P.P.P.S Modern Adventures is now available in stores in Adelaide at Big Star Records and in Sydney at Fish Records, Paint It Black and Red Eye Records.

... 2006 10 12 ...
FRIDAY THE 13TH PART XXL: JASON GOES TO THE IDGAFF

After returning from a successful tour of Australia's answer to Crystal Lake, Sydney, superstitious Melbourne ROCKERS TELECOM bring their god-fearing brand of indie rock this Friday the 13th of October to the idGAFF Bar and Venue in Abbotsford (idGAFF is in fact an actual word; it means GAFF but on the id-side).

Also packing their lucky black-cat's feet and stepping over ladders under footpath cracks will be sassy country-twangers the Muddy Spurs.

Show starts at 9PM, $4 entry.

Regards,
Elias Voorhees

P.S. You can read a review of TELECOM's Sydney show on the informative Australian music blog A Reminder.

P.P.S. For those who missed Darren and Nick on Sydney's FBi 94.5FM last Friday you can listen to the full interview here (right click, save as [11.6MB])

P.P.P.S. For those who missed TELECOM on ABC's JTV last Friday and Tuesday on ABC2's JTVXL you were not alone, as due to time constraints TELECOM's appearance was postponed. So tune in THIS WEEK, Friday at 11.25PM on ABC and next Tuesday at 9PM on ABC2. Again, for those not able to watch, the segment will be posted next week for all eternity on the JTV website.

... 2006 10 04 ...
TELECOM ANNUAL GENERAL MEETING IN SYDNEY

As a special Sydney surprise, Melbourne ROCK specialists TELECOM will be launching their debut EP Modern Adventures in their only NSW show this Saturday, October 7 at the Hopetoun Hotel, a show that promises to be both entertaining AND pentertraining, the latter of which is indeed actually a real word (it means “exciting, but on the inside”.)

Joining the live simulated pentertration will be other heavyweight Sydney hotshots I [Love] Space, Merle Morris and the Laurels. Doors open at 8PM. $8.

In the lead-up to this exciting event, TELECOM will be delighting the many* (*2) senses of radio and telelvision owners with many* (*2) appearances across many* (*2) mediums:

HEAR TELECOM on Sydney's FBi 94.5FM this Friday afternoon at 4.30PM AET. Nick and Darren will be playing acoustic as Linda Marigliano's special guests on Friday Arvo. For those not in Sydney, streaming is available on the FBi website.

SEE AND HEAR TELECOM on ABC's JTV this Friday at 11.25PM and next Tuesday at 9PM on ABC2's JTVXL. For those not able to watch, the video will be posted next week for all eternity on the JTV website.

And we are pleased to announce that for those outside of Melbourne and Sydney, YES, you can finally:

BUY TELECOM's debut EP Modern Adventures and other trinkets through the new ye olde SHOP on the TELECOM website.

I'll see you at the beach,
Mitch

P.S. TELECOM have changed Myspace addresses to the easy-to-remember www.myspace.com/telecomlovesyou. Please update your address books/non-Christian rolodexes.

... 2006 09 07...
GENUINE BOOTLEG TELECOM-BRAND MUSIC NOW ON SALE

With Telecom-brand Beer™ selling out at their recent EP launch in “unprecedented and record-holding time”*, TELECOM are pleased to introduce Telecom-brand MUSIC™ this Saturday, September 9 on the Bootleg stage at Ding Dong Lounge. Joining TELECOM and their amazing sound and light show will be the Amazing Phillips Sisters and an amazing special mystery guest who as far as we know is not the A*Mazing James Sherry.

TELECOM's debut EP Modern Adventures will be available for purchase on the night, or for those who can't wait, it can be be obtained legally via the interweb at Missing Link Records or in Melbourne at Greville Records Prahran, International Trash Richmond, and Polyester Records Fitzroy for just $6.

TELECOM also recently appeared in sound as Celebrity Rooters on RRR 102.7FM's Best of the Brat, counting down their Top 5 Rooting/Holding Hands and Hugging songs.
Listen to the interview in full [mp3 36.8MB] (WARNING: Interview contains talk of a saucy nature)

AND FINALLY TELECOM also features this week on A Reminder an informative Australian music blog based in Sydney.

Line 6 Position 4,
Mike Mead and Melvin

*Unprecedented and record-holding in that it was never available before and most likely never available again.

... 2006 08 16 ...
EP LAUNCH THIS FRIDAY AT DING DONG, TELECOM BEER SERVED ON TAP

TELECOM are brewing something special for their Friday, August 18 EP launch at Ding Dong Lounge -- a full-flavoured Canadian pilsner which reviewers are calling "brisk", "refreshing" and "hangover free". That’s right, TELECOM-brand beer will be part of the merchandise shenanigans, along with fridge magnets, show bags and free hand-stamps at the launch of the band’s debut EP Modern Adventures.

Word around the water cooler is that the launch will be filmed for JTV. So circle the date on your calendar, get a cooler haircut and pull out your brightest fluorescent T-shirt because, "Look ma! There’s a possibility I might be on TV sometime in the future". Joining TELECOM will be The Suits, The Cheats and (the) Muscles.

Doors open at 8PM.

Regards,
Rockstar: Supernova TELECOM

...2006 08 02...
JEWS RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL ROCK IN ESPY THIS SATURDAY

TELECOM (who as a band is 7/16 Jewish) will join other Jews in taking time out from being responsible for all of the wars in the world to play a special charity event this Saturday, August 5 9PM at The Espy: That's What I Like About Jew: A Benefit for Darfur.

That's What I Like About Jew aims to simultaneously celebrate Jewish influence in the Melbourne live music scene, and raise funds to aid those affected by the genocide in Darfur, Sudan. Taking place across the entire Espy, the night will feature: Still Thinking, Reason feat. Briggs and DJ 563 (UK), Yidcore, Klezmania, Anna Fiszman (USA), Talkshow Boy, TVA, Marissa and Skove (Odyssey), Shemesh, Demona (Israel), Simon Starr, Anita Lester, White Rabbits, Schnorer, DJ Macromantics, DJ Feshtoonkineh and DJ Arik (Pablo Discobar).

TELECOM play in the lounge bar after midnight. Tickets are $12.

For people unable to attend the event but still wanting to aid those in need -- both in Darfur and in other parts of the world -- please visit the Medicins Sans Frontieres and Red Cross websites for more information on how you can help.

La'cheim,
Kenny Brocklestein

... 2006 07 24 ...
LAST WEEK OF RESIDENCY, FREE STUFF™

TELECOM bring a close to their month-long Tote residency this Wednesday July 26 at 8PM, with one last hurrah -- hurrah! -- featuring debut special guests and The Brutals , free Blake Telecom badges, free TELECOM stickers, and a repetitive cover song that will ensure that girls in the audience leave glad and wanting to get people high. All of this for just $4!

Regards,
Mustapha Mond
World Controller for Western Europe and greater Collingwood

...2006 07 17...
HAND OF GOD MENDS AFTER ALLEGED BALL HANDLING

After recovering from a hand injury some say was caused by his girlfriend being out-of-town for a night, guitarist Nick Telecom is said to be "heavily hopped up" and "swearing repeatedly under his breath" in preparation for Week 3 of the TELECOM Tote Wednesday Night Residency. This week sees not only country-blues newcomers Dog With Wheels supporting, and a special cover being SHOUTed TO THE TOP of the setlist (and by TOP we mean somewhere in the middle) but also Free Greg Telecom Badges for the first 30 payers featuring artwork from the soon-to-be-released Modern Adventures EP, an EP which last week had Inpress' Singled Out column using the terms "natty, pleasant surprise, ace, excellent, in thrall, in heaven", though these terms were not used sequentially, and to be fair have possibly been taken entirely out of context.

And then on Saturday night get on down to The Espy Lounge Bar for more mutual admiration with TELECOM, Souls on Board and Merle Morris performing a different type of self-abuse, the sort that involves the performance of ROCK in front of sweaty St. Kildians.

Regards,
Malcolm "I would've wiped the blood off Syd's knife myself" McLaren

P.S. To listen to Nick and Darren TELECOM's interview with Ryan Egan on RRR 102.7FM's Local and/or General last Monday night click here (mp3 9.47MB)

...2006 07 10...
RESIDENCY PART DEUX, FIRST RADIO INTERVIEW SINCE PATTY GAVE BIRTH TO 10LB BABY BOY

TELECOM continue their Wednesday-Residency-Party-Time-Rock-n-Roll-Jagshemesh at the Tote THIS WEDNESDAY, with special guests From Hell. FREE STUFF™ will again be included for your sensory pleasure in the form of more limited-edition Modern Adventures EP badges (this week featuring Darren Telecom) for the first 30 payers to hold, caress and prick themselves with, as well as a very-special-never-before-heard-cover-song from the TELECOM SONGBOOK to listen to. Can you guess what it is? The suspenders must be killing you, but don't let it put you down, don't let it push you around, don't let it ever change your point of view; the ironing is delicious!

In other news, make sure you're tuned into Melbourne Radio Station RRR 102.7FM TONIGHT (Monday) at 10PM for Local and/or General, featuring special guests Darren and Nick Telecom who will be chatting about luck in Vegas, their intricate love lives, and to a lesser extent, TELECOM's forthcoming EP, Modern Adventures.

Yours,

Billy and Patty 's 10 Pound Baby Boy.

...2006 07 03...
TELECOM JULY TOTE RESIDENCY, FREE STUFF™ TO BE HAD

TELECOM understand what the people want. Through their use of focus groups, soft-focus groups, and auto-focus groups, they have determined what could not have been determined without employing a publicist: people like FREE STUFF. To celebrate the realisation of the obvious, throughout their July Tote residency, TELECOM will be offering patrons FREE STUFF. Each week the first 30 people through the door will be rewarded in the form of limited-edition, available-only-on-the-night, never-to-be-repeated, prices-slashed BADGES, featuring never-before-seen artwork from their forthcoming release Modern Adventures. Collect all 4! And for those who like to turn up fashionably late, TELECOM have thought of you too, and plan to reward your tardiness with a FREE TELECOM BUMPER STICKER.

What's that? You like music too? Well, as well as playing their usual set of MUSICAL songs, TELECOM will be (p)adding COVERS to their extensive repertoire of songs that they play with instruments.

All of this for just $4!

So come along to TELECOM’s Wednesday Night Tote Residency in July for FREE STUFF, special covers, special guests, special people, special times, sha la la laa.

THIS WEEK WEDNESDAY JULY 5: Special guests TIC TOC TOKYO, free Nick Telecom badges, and one BOSS cover.

... 2006 06 30 ...
TELECOM PUBLICISE PUBLIC SHOW AT PUBLIC BAR, PRIVATE EYES WATCHING YOU

TELECOM play shows, in front of audiences, and describe themselves as "makers of music." They do this at bars and pubs, where people go to drink and hear the aforementioned sounds. When the guitarist plays many notes in a row, the audience usually goes "Yes! Yes! Yes! This rocks!". This is called a solo. And when the drummer hits with sticks the round 'drum-type' things, the audience goes "Check it out Dude: This Band Is Tight!" And when the singer says something into the microphone in a melodic way, the audience goes "Wow... Just listen to the depth inherent in the marriage of music and words!" This is called singing.

If all this just confuses you no end, then make sure you're at The Public Bar TONIGHT to have it demonstrated personally for you. Also teaching lessons that one soon won't forget will be the highly-educated Noiseradio and the highly-decorated Major Major. Now pull up your socks, tuck in that shirt and meet my behind the bike sheds with a packet of PJ 20's.

With only appropriate love,
Mister Telecom

P.S. You can request to hear TELECOM songs "Second Feature" and "Kicks" on Triple J's Super Request Show by following the instructions on their website.

...2006 06 21...
TELECOM BUYS CONSONANT, VOWEL PRICES CONTINUE TO RISE

After D-azzling all at the Espy Free Kick competition, D-elighting Triple J, RRR and FBi (with their soon-to-be-released debut EP 'Modern Adventures') and D-emystifying civilisation's beginnings with a single guitar solo, it may seem to some like TELECOM have run out of 'D-escribing' words that start with D. (We're told that that's called a 'verb', children.) Well, don't deny the denizens because dumbasses denounce their donuts to demand more dubious rock, with dented drums! Decked out next to TELECOM in their debutante dresses at the Espy this Friday will be the decadent Kamikaze Trio and the delicous Kids From Russia. Drink deeply, my deprived daddys; your demented demands for ROCQUE will be delivered.

Delightfully,
David Reyne

P.S. You can request to hear TELECOM's single "Second Feature" on Triple J's Super Request Show by following the instructions on their website.

... 2006 06 15...
STOP PRESS. VICKI VALE.

TELECOM are playing TONIGHT at The Espy Public Bar in a bid to become the chosen band for the Espy Community Cup. So, do you want to hear them rockin' out while your eatin' a half-cooked snag with Kram, and pissing behind the change-rooms with Phil Grinspoon, all the while raisin' some cash for a good cause? Cos if it aint TELECOM, it'll just be some other band you haven't heard of, and at least you can impress your mates by saying: "See those cunns up on the stage there? I'm on their bloody mailin' list, mate."

Support TELECOM, Choice of the New Generation, The Espy, tonight, 9PM.

Oi!
Ferret Maxtown.

... 2006 06 07...
TELECOM SCORES GOAL, MARADONA SCORES GRAM, WORLD CONTINUES TO TURN

With The World Cup almost upon us, its time to squeeze in some ROCK (with ROCK band TELECOM) before everyone around you starts saying things like "Offside! That Ref must be German!" and "Ole, Ole, Ole, Oi! Oi! Oi!".

So if you would prefer to hear talk like "This songs for all the ladies in the house this evening..." and "Guitar!" before all the fever sets in, then make sure you're at C'mon C'mon @ The Evelyn on Thursday night to see TELECOM. Also playing are HOT LITTLE HANDS and THE HOLLYS (NSW), who are apparently not to be confused with the 1960s British-Invasion rock'n'roll band of the same name. Doors at 8.30PM. Admission $6.

... 2006 06 02...
NEW SHOWS, NEW TRACKS, SAME TIRED INNUENDOS -- NOTHING SEXUAL

TELECOM has been quite quiet of late, having been away, FAR away, in places that resist explanation and defy expectation. They have mingled with the trees, touched the hand of God, drunk generously from the Goblet of Warmth and cracked the ancient Code of Love. But what does all this signify? Well, it means they will be playing a show Saturday June 3rd at Weekender @ Laundry. Supporting, or under-headlining if you will, will be rock's answer to John Holmes: THE CHEATS. Nothing Sexual. $1 Pots and Champagne 9 - 10PM. $8 Entry. DJs Steve Wide + Friends will follow the bands.

PLUS
You can check out and even LISTEN to TWO TRACKS from TELECOM's forthcoming EP "Modern Adventures", due out sometime this century:
www.myspace.com/telecomtelecom

... 2006 03 09...
LAST CHANCE TO FLY TELECOM FOR MONTHS, BIRD FLU STRIKES 767

Attention Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls. This is your sexy but heavily made-up flight attendant speaking. We here at TELECOM Aero-lines would like you now to please switch off all electronic devices, return your chair to the upright position and if it really turns you on, assume the 'crash position' because the Captain has something important to announce:

Prepare yourself for the G-Forces because TELECOM and Red Ink Spills are playing at C'mon C'mon TONIGHT at The Evelyn , utilising over 4,000 G chords and blasting off at 2100, Gate 1. Please be aware there are substantial fines for smoking in the toilet so please disregard the ashtrays we have in there anyways. The in-flight entertainment will involve many guitars and songs about getting wasted and puking and stuff. Also in a rare move, management will be offering 'Mile High Service' in the alley round the corner, behind the dumpster and next to the broken glass, nothing sexual.

P.S. THIS IS YOUR FINAL CHANCE TO FLY TELECOM until the launch of the debut EP "Modern Adventures", ETD: mid-2006.

Enjoy a sneak preview of the first track "Second Feature" available to download from the Music section, or to stream from Telecom's Myspace Page.

Thank you for flying Telecom, have a nice day.

... 2006 02 27...
NEW GENERATION CHOOSES TELECOM, TELECOM CHOOSES PHENYLALANINE

With Summer well and truly upon us and Pepsi Samba and Coke Zero failing miserably in the taste department, TELECOM Management would like to offer you a new alternative in Rock Refreshments: "TELECOM Brand Carbonated Beverage Juice Drink". Cool and refreshing, new and hip, and also quite possibly containing some alcohol, nothing says "Hey, Look At Me, We're Partying, Wanna Join Us?" like an ice cold can of Telecom. So come weeze the juice at The Town Hall Hotel this Friday night with The Muddy Spurs and TELECOM, The ROCK Choice Of A New Generation.

Mmm, now THAT'S tasty...

With Love,
The TELECOM Board Of Directors.

... 2006 02 22...
SHOT TO THE HEART AND DICK'S TO BLAME, TELECOM GIVE HEADLINES A BAD NAME

With the Free World now safe from the quail evil-doers, TELECOM and, to a fictional extent, Vice President Dick Cheney would like to inform you that all available intelligence suggests that there is a Weekender show of MASS ROCK DESTRUCTION at Ding Dong this Saturday night. Joining the rock band that's favoured in a recent poll by 9 out of 10 Marines as the band with the best music to "blow sh*t up to", WINDOW, will be the Patriotic and Para-Military, the Existential and Expediential, the Standers To and Seekers Of Attention, The All-American* Purveyors of PUNCH -- TELECOM.

This is a war for patriots, and in a post-9/11 world, word from the Oval Office is that those not in attendance will be shot in the face with a high powered rifle, accidentally on purpose -- nothing sexual.

With Love,
Corporal N. Telecom
Business Class

*May only contain 1/4 Americans

... 2006 01 16...
TELECOM PROMISE NUDDY, DELIVER NADA

TELECOM continue their long and lusty love affair with Ding Dong with a wild and sleazy show this Friday night, February 17 at 9PM. Partly to celebrate the recent installation of the Jägermeister tap (thanks largely to Darren "I brought back Jäger" Telecom who was reportedly the 1st person EVER to suggest "Jäger AND Coke") and also in part because of the deep lust TELECOM have for the 'Dong, this WILL be a no-holds-barred display of love and affection.

Also getting in on the orgy are Love Of Diagrams, Children Collide and Talkshow Boy, who as you read this are all greeting their fluffers and icing their areola. However for legal reasons, management must confirm that this show contains NIL NUDITY, and all sexual innuendo is implied only, and will merely be illustrated through ROCK. If this disappoints, there is always the Crazy Horse Theatre down the street, ya sicko.

With Lust,
Telecom-Management-plus-all-four-members-of-Telecom-in-a-closely-knit-huddle

P.S. Be sure to check out the Photos section where thirty-two (32!) brand NEW photos have been uploaded, documenting the rise and fall of TELECOM since last October, including the painstaking recording process of their debut EP, which is due out very soon!*

*Sometime this year.

... 2006 01 16...
TELECOM LAUNCH INTO 2006 WITH GIG AND CHEEKY WORDPLAY

In the fine tradition of big Latin words used by the Queen, TELECOM would like to wish everyone a HAPPY NEW ANNUS! And in honour of the Queen, and her annus, Telecom is playing its first show for 2006, this Saturday January 21, 9PM at the Town Hall Hotel in North Melbourne. Joining Telecom are local hot rockers THE CHEATS, who are quite simply radical, and the sultry acoustic stylings of the ROSS COTTEE TIMEZONE. So come help Telecom launch into the new annus, an annus which promises to be full of promise and promising things with involved promise; we promise.

Warm Tidings,
Nicky T.

... 2005 12 28...
TELECOM PLAY NYE AT DING DONG, POSSIBLY LAST SHOW FOR 2005

Does anyone wanna party? You like music? You wanna pick up some chicks and or dudes (nothing sexual)? Well who doesn't? It's NEW YEARS EVE again so you can forget your Summer Dayz, disregard your Two Tribes and don't even bother with the Espy, cos Ding Dong, Melbourne's BEST live venue (as voted by these guys I know) is puttin-on-the-Ritz with a big Weekender Show. We got The Gear, who will be soon off to South by Southwest in Texas to show how they do it ol' skool and more importantly (because I'm in 'em) we got TELECOM, in what could possibly be their last gig of 2005.

Prices are $20 pre-sale (available from Polyester Records, Fitzroy and Ding Dong) and $25 on the door and considering the price of getting into holes like your local Irish Pub, this is a bargain. Tickets are selling fast, and to cap it all off, Ding Dong's open til 7am. TELECOM on at the princely time of 8:30 in the PM

LET'S PARTY.

Kind Wishes from the Lord Of the Manor, the King of the Castle,
HRH Nick Telecom I

... 2005 12 19...
TELECOM GET ALL YULE-TIDE ON YO' BAD SELF, IMPLORE MO'FO'S TO CHA'MON

TELECOM have two shows this week, but don't go telling just anyone. Firstly they play Wednesday December 21 at Ding Dong Kashmir Nights for what may well be the last time, with (deep breath...) THE LUXXOR REVENGE, SLEEP PARADE, SOJOURN, GOODBYE MOTEL & NOT TOO FAR and DJ Fuck'Off. TELECOM on stage, say 10.30 in the PM (Potential patrons should be advised that upon entry you will again be asked to nominate the specific band you have come to see. Just. Say. "TELECOM").

THEN, they also play Saturday Christmas Eve (nothing religious) at The Public Bar with WINDOW and TIC TOC TOKYO. And you know when we said it may be the last time TELECOM play at Ding Dong and also that we'd kill you last? We lied. Ding Dong NYE 2005/6 Party Music Time Jagshemash I like you, do you like me? Pepsi Max.

Regards,
Borat Sagdiyev.

... 2005 12 14...
TELECOM PLAY ESPY FRIDAY, DING DONG NYE, BADMINTON TUESDAY

Fresh from an appearance at the Meredith festivus, TELECOM are gearing up for some shows that have been described by some as "Espy. This Friday night." and "Ding Dong. New Years Eve." (of course TELECOM weren't actually playing MUSIC at Meredith, but it has been confirmed that all four members were present, and had the Tai Chi Master eaten some bad Hari Krishna food and/or been assaulted by the toilet-truck cleaners, TELECOM most likely would have stepped up to the plate and performed, had they also had their instruments [READ: trumpets] and were actually ASKED to perform).

So come and see what you MAY have missed out on with a show this Friday night, December 16 in the Espy Lounge Bar (9PM FREE) with the radalicious DEAD FRENCHMEN and the fo'-shizzle-my-nizzle-fo'-rizzle SPOD. What that means we think Spod only knows (what I'd do without you).

And don't forget TELECOM NYE @ Ding Dong.

... 2005 11 17...
iATTENTION SENORITAS, MUMMA-SITAS AND GRINGOS!

Sunday 20th November @ Laundry, 50 Johnston Street, Fitrzroy sees THE Festivus for the Restivus come to Fitzroy for the Rock'N'Roll Espanol. Johnston Street between Nicholson & Brunswick Streets will be completely closed off for the Spanish Fiesta so to celebrate, TELECOM (8pm) will be performing some of the "Latin-tinged" tracks from their upcoming EP, and by "Latin-tinged" we mean "totally guitar-based."

Also playing from 4pm are The General Lees, silence dead silence, Dane Certificate, Andre, Describe Eliza and The Basics. So at the risk of offending, let us just say that bendecos and albondingas will all agree that post-siesta, the only way to spend a Domingo afternoon is drinking Sangria and ice cold Estrella Damm, while sampling the finest tapas, paella, chorizo and enchiladas on offer.

And as far as we know, there will be NO Mexican food or Corona.

Adios,
Political Prisoner Tony Montana*.

*OK, so he was Cuban, but he SPOKE Spanish

... 2005 11 08...
TELECOM @ WEEKENDER DING DONG SATURDAY NOVEMBER 12

TELECOM are returning to the shire of Ding Dong after many moon(s) hauling ring in the ROCK mines of Mor-anything?moreeverything!-dor. They will soon emerge from the darkness, rub their eyes in disbelief, and thrust their collective staffs like Gandalf, Frodo, Sleepy, Bashful, Dumbledore & Sir Bon Jovi III did before them, declaring mightily that a party SHALL NOT PASS by those who brave the forest of Weekender this Saturday eve. The afore mentioned Ding Dongondor is the place, Window headline the Fellowship, Saturday November 12th is the nigh and 9 hours past midday is the time when The Precious will be unleashed into this dimension.

Regards and liberal amounts of unicorn-riding wolves,
Nick Telecom the Fuscia

... 2005 11 04...
TELECOM @ THE ROB ROY SATURDAY NOVEMBER 5

After a World Title Fight in Sydney during ROCKtober, TELECOM are back to punch above their weight with a 'World Class Rock Show™' at the Rob Roy this Saturday night, 8PM supporting Cannon and The Gear. Also duking it out earlier on in the night will be Plug-In City and Unspoken Things (SA), two other up and coming hot shots with chips on their shoulders and something to prove, who also sting like bees. So as management and trainers alike massage their silky-dressing-gown clad shoulders and whisper motivational slogans in their ears, TELECOM (in the red corner, boxing at 10PM) are spitting into a bucket, putting their mouth guard back in and punching their fists together with absolute rage; having decided that this time:

...It's Personal.

... 2005 10 31...
TELECOM ON MYSPACE REDUX

Due to technical difficulties with our old Myspace profile, and after months of inaction from Tom -- yes, THE Tom -- TELECOM have been forced to start afresh:

http://www.myspace.com/telecomtelecom

Yes, it's the profile that's so good, they had to name it twice.

Please feel free to re-friend or friend for the first time.

Keep the comments tasteful, watch me for the changes and remember to tip your waitress.

Regards,
Reginald P. Cheeseburger, QC
Acting for Shane Connor of no fixed address

... 2005 10 11...
PRODIGAL TELECOM RETURNS

After successful shows in Sydney over the weekend @ Club 77, Mandarin Club & the Enchantment Under The Sea Dance, rock band TELECOM continue their world tour of Sydney in their home town of Melbourne.

Joining them as a rare treat are touring partners (nothing sexual) Pinky Tuscadero and The Valentinos for what promises to be a show to get excited about. So whether you like your milk, chocolate, or your cousin Marvin Berry is looking for a new sound, well listen to this!

Regards and Eat Lead, Slackers,
Mr. Strickland

... 2005 10 04...
TELECOM WORLD TOUR OF SYDNEY 2005

That's right kids, its ROCK-TOBER so let's all hold hands and be thankful to Our Non-denominational Saviour one time (shamon, hee hee!) for a truly Blessed Event, the band -- TELECOM -- are coming to Sydney.

Praise alcohol, and hush my mouth, because on Thursday 6th of Rockt. 8PM at Club 77 (number, um, 77 William St Kings Cross) the band -- TELECOM -- play their first Sydney Show, and basically, their first show outside of Melbourne's CBD. Come and revel in the first-time-ness of it all, and see what Melbourne has known all along: the band -- INX... er TELECOM.

But what's that you say? Don't really wanna party on a school night? Well fret not ladies and men because Saturday the 8th of Rockt. sees the Mandarin Club (corner Pitt and Goulburn Sydney) also welcome the band -- TELECOM -- for the first WEEKEND show outside of Melbourne. Again, revel in the whole first-time-ness of it all, etc, etc. Joining them on Saturday are Sydney's own Pinky Tuscadero, The Mares and fellow Melburnians Kids From Russia, three (3) shit hot bands in their own right.

NB: Those of you in Melbourne wishing to attend, contact Virginblue.com for massive discounts on airfares. Just mention this ad and say "TELECOM's gonna rock yr ass off MuthaFucka!" for your 50% discount*

*discounts will not be honoured.

... 2005 09 19...
TELECOM @ DING DONG WEDNESDAY SEPTEMBER 21

TELECOM, as a collective whole, would simply LOVE to take this opportunity to inform you of the rarest of events: a mid-week Ding Dong show, 9PM Wednesday September 21st, baby. Joined by The Beings and Redletter (amongst others), this will be the Official Welcoming Show for new-ish drummer, Blake Williams as we can only NOW be sure he knows all of the parts to Darren's funk-fusion-celtic-metal-ballad song.

The cover charge for this event is $6, and potential patrons should be advised that upon entry you will be asked to nominate the specific band you have come to see. As your answer directly affects how much -- if any -- of your $6 that we see, it is at this point that we would like you to refer back to your training and clearly annunciate the word "TELECOM", inclusive of all relevant stresses, emphases and tongue clicks.

Thanks in advance, your pals, TELECOM.

... 2005 09 12 ...
TELECOM @ THE TOTE WEDNESDAY SEPTEMBER 14

TELECOM mania is sweeping the nation faster than you can say 'Meep-Meep' so to commemorate, they play a unique and very-welcome-mid-week-distraction-from-the-hardships-of-life-and-such show at The Tote Wednesday, September 14 at 8pm. Joining them will be other up and coming sexy young sweet gorgeous thangs Noise Radio and Dead Frenchmen.

All three bands have awesome new recordings to flog, so come down and get one on the cheap, leaving you free to then piss off home and listen to it there.

IS THAT A WEBSITE IN OUR POCKET OR ARE WE JUST HAPPY TO SEE YOU

After months of campaigning to have forty-eight hours added to the infinitely-approaching time period of "soon", belatedly, yes, TELECOM has finally given birth to a website. Weighing in at 7lb 5oz, the new TELECOM website is yours to browse, download from, subscribe to or just poke at in completely inappropriate places. Whatever you do though, DON'T PRESS THE ORANGE BUTTON. It doesn't work.

© Copyright TELECOM